Unifying your family when caring for an elderly parent

When it comes to caring for an elderly parent, reaching consensus among family members about caregiving decisions - especially when they don’t live in the same town - can be a major challenge. If your mom has just had a stroke, for example, things can be stressful enough without conflict among siblings over whether she should receive at home care or move into a nursing home. Our guide to getting family members on the same page about caregiving decisions will help you find ways to communicate with each other openly, preventing anxiety, guilt, grief, anger or frustration from wreaking havoc on your relationships.

The best way to start is to get everyone together for a family meeting. Each family member has a different relationship with your mom, as well as different life experiences, so it’s no surprise that each of you has a different perspective on how to handle caregiving decisions. In order to maintain peace and avoid conflict down the line, you need to be able discuss your mom's elder care openly as a team. Note: If your family is already at loggerheads, you might need help from a professional facilitator (e.g., a social worker, psychologist, priest, rabbi or minister). Even if you all have to pitch in to pay for someone, a facilitator’s support will be well worth the investment.

Planning a family meeting

If you're organizing a family meeting about aging parents and elder care on your own, here are some suggestions for making it a productive one:

Identify a facilitator. If you haven’t hired professional assistance, one of you has to be in charge of organizing the agenda and keeping the discussion on track.
Draft an agenda. Each of you should identify the three most important things you'd like to discuss at the meeting. Chances are you'll find some overlap. Organize the agenda around these issues.
Make sure everyone attends. If all of you can't get together in one place, it's worth setting up a conference call. Small families can easily do an inexpensive three-way call; free conference call numbers are available from a variety of sources online, as well
Ask everyone to do some homework on caring for an elderly parent. You'll accomplish more if everyone volunteers to compile and bring important information to the meeting.

For example, someone should gather your mom's medical information: type of stroke, prognosis for recovery, other medical conditions that require care, medications, and any other information about her health. Someone else should tackle all of her financial and insurance information, and another person could research the range of housing options and medical care available to meet her needs. If possible, share the results of your assignments ahead of time.

Family meeting rules and regulations

Chances are most of you have participated in meetings, so you're aware of the following basic procedures. And while it might feel a little strange to be somewhat formal with each other, a few ground rules do help.

Stick to the agreed-upon agenda.
No interrupting. Wait until someone is finished talking before you speak.
No accusations (as in: "You always side in with him.").
Make sure what you have to say reflects what you think, not what you think others think. Start your sentences with "I," not "we."
Stay focused on your mom’s caregiving decisions and what's best for her. That means leaving behind any unsettled scores.
If you're not clear on a point your sibling has made, ask for clarification. Try something like, "I'd like to make sure I'm clear about what you are saying. I heard (then repeat what you think you heard). Is that right?" Don't assume.
Create action steps as you complete each item on the agenda. Identify any other information you need before making a decision.
If all or most of you are online, share email addresses so that in the future you can exchange information on websites, send pertinent attachments, and communicate quickly with each other and the staff in charge of your mom’s care.
Wrap up the meeting with everyone clearly understanding what caregiving decisions you've made as a group and who will be responsible for any next steps. Create a list of these duties and share it before the meeting breaks up.

If your family works together as a team, it will be much better for your mom and easier for all of you.

The bottom line

Getting family members to agree on aging parents and elder care is one of the biggest challenges facing families trying to decide on what’s best for their parents or other elder family members.
A good way to start is by having a family meeting at which all members attend - either in person or by phone - and everyone has a chance to share ideas and feelings openly.
Follow basic meeting rules to ensure a productive session that will not only help you and your family make good decisions, as well as create stronger bonds that can support you through any difficult times ahead.